It's funny how something so simple can turn your whole day around. It's been one of those sobering days after one of those nights where you cry yourself to sleep because nothing in life is working out, when all of your fears and insecurities suddenly become dictators of your thoughts. Perhaps it is a necessary human thing, catharsis, like an intentional biological function.
Intense moments are something to treasure whether they be bad or good. All I know is that everything is less dazzling today, but more real. I walked into this coffee shop - hood on, gripping my laptop, sporting my old-woman slippers & jeans - and stumbled around a bit, trying to get my bearings on the room. Pushing back my hood I realized that I was on the receiving end of "the looks" from various points of the room. I can't describe it. However, the sensation was marvelously warm - and more satisfactorily, my surface emotions weren't perturbed in the slightest. I'm not sure why I chose this occasion to write in an anonymous corner of the internet, except that I wouldn't record the moment otherwise. And sometimes moments are important to remember.
This was an extraordinary day after an extraordinary set of weeks. But like I said, today was dazzle-less. I sat at work for 4 hours this morning; I accomplished intellectually taxing tasks - consultants in the industry could charge thousands for what I did today. I was unusually focused. Perhaps the rain helps. I went to bed last night thinking that my situation is hopeless. That I'm going to die alone. That I'm never going to gain any professional recognition. That my hands will never produce the music that I desperately want to make. That I am doomed to live steps behind everyone else for no reason. That I will never understand intimacy with Jesus. That I will be fat forever. And now this is sounding ridiculous.
But when you have high hopes and you pursue them honestly and consistently, you only learn more; & you learn what it takes to get to where you want to be. You learn faster than you accomplish.. which means it becomes more and more difficult to keep faith. Analogy: "the more you learn the less you know" (or something to that effect... who said that? Socrates?)... the more you do the less you've done. fuck.its.hard.
Trying to take after Dale Carnegie when he said to do something instead of worrying & not sleeping....
